Secrets In A Notebook
by Grace Ryan
Summary: Kurt finds a notebook with Blaine's secret feelings about him. Will the secrets make their frienship blossom into more? Or will they send Kurt running?


I'm no sure where this one came into my head, but it did and I couldn't help, but write it down.

It's AU and Kurt stayed at Dalton until the year end and he and Blaine never told each other how they felt. They're also room mates in the Dalton Dormitories.

I'm not sure this was my best, so please be kind if you don't like it lol :-P

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><p><strong>Secrets In A Notebook<strong>

Kurt had finished his last final and returned back to the dorm room he and Blaine shared. He opened the door and saw that Blaine hadn't been back yet to start packing, but then remembered that Blaine had two finals back to back and he probably wouldn't be back for about another hour and a half.

Blaine admitted to not leaving until tomorrow morning, but Kurt would be leaving after dinner. He promised the other Warblers that since he would not be returning to Dalton in the fall, he would join them for a final meal before departing.

Kurt had already packed up all of his clothes, magazines, DVDs, and toiletries, and the only thing left to pack were the things in his desk, his books, his bedding, decorations, and his laptop. He set to work on his decorations first and wrapped whatever needed wrapping in newspaper to keep things from getting scratched. He sighed when he was done and looked around his side of the room and thought the walls and surface space was drab and it sent a small pang in his chest to think that in no time, his side of the room would look like he was never there.

Next he started wrapping his photographs in the same fashion as the fragile decorations and stopped every so often to get lost in a memory of when the photo was taken. It had been so long since he looked, really looked, at any of his photographs. _It's funny,_ he thought, _people frame photos so that they can openly look at them, but how often have I really looked at any of these?_ He stopped and smiled at every picture that included the Warblers and found himself staring too long at a photo of him and Blaine. Blaine, his best friend, his room mate, his mentor…his savior. The photo was taken at one of the many nursing homes that they performed at and Blaine had convinced Kurt to sit in a stray wheelchair. Jeff had snapped the photo when Blaine stood behind him and pushed down so that Kurt felt he was tipping over. In the photo it looked like Kurt was flailing, thinking Blaine was going to let him drop. Somehow, Kurt's flails in the picture looked very vogue. The part Kurt remembered was what happened a split second after the photo was taken. Blaine steadied him, holding onto the handles of the wheelchair tightly so that Kurt really wouldn't fall, but in turn, Kurt was now looking up at Blaine, who smiled and said "Don't worry, I got you. I won't let you fall." They had stared into one another's eyes and Kurt swore at that moment, that Blaine could feel everything Kurt did for him.

But nothing ever came of it. They remained friends and Kurt's love went unrequited. He never dared tell Blaine how he really felt because he didn't want to upset their comfortable room mate living quarters in case Blaine didn't feel anything back. He sighed again, feeling a tear form in his eye and wrapped it up with the others. He never thought he'd be this emotional packing his things. He kept trying to tell himself that he'll see all his things again when he unpacked them at his house later or tomorrow morning, but he knew that wasn't why he felt the need to cry.

It was the memories tied to the things that he was looking at. It was the laughter that went with the smiles in the photos. It was the people that he'd miss that where in the photos. It was the nostalgic emotions that crept up when he was reminded of happy times gone by.

When he was done with the photos he moved on to the contents in his desk drawers. Most of it were things like paper-clips and pencils, that he threw into various pockets of his messenger bag that was now sans heavy text books. In one of his bigger drawers he found a hole puncher that had Blaine's name on it. Kurt had forgotten that Blaine let him borrow it last week. Then he giggled when he remembered making fun of Blaine for putting his name on his things. He walked it over to Blaine's desk and opened up the top drawer where he remembered seeing Blaine take it from.

A Black and White Mead composition book caught Kurt's eye that looked like it had seen better days. Kurt knew this notebook well. It was the book that Blaine was often seen closing whenever Kurt came near him. Kurt asked why he did that once and Blaine said that it was a book of lyrics and poems that he'd been working on to turn into songs, but he was self-conscious about them. "Don't worry," Kurt had said. "I'm not one to read over someone's shoulder."

"Maybe I'll let you read it some day," Blaine replied with a half smile.

"Whenever you feel comfortable, I'd love to."

The topic of the notebook never came up again, despite all the times Kurt saw him righting in it.

Kurt chewed on his lip, feeling the heat coming from the notebook. He knew he shouldn't look at it because Blaine was so secretive about it, but curiosity was winning him over. It was practically screaming his name and saying "Read me! Read me!"

He shut the drawer and took a deep breath. "No. I'd hate it if he read my diary without my permission, so I can't do that to him." He glanced at the clock on Blaine's desk and saw that Blaine wouldn't be back for about another half hour. Kurt was about to turn away when his will was broken and he opened the drawer and snatched the book out. He opened up the cover and immediately he was stunned frozen. The first two words on the page were "Dear Kurt." He shut the cover without reading another word and felt his heart beating hard. He opened it back up and turned the page without reading what Blaine was writing about. He turned another, then another. He started fanning the pages and each and every page began with Dear Kurt.

Blaine had lied. It wasn't a book of lyrics, it was a book of letters to Kurt. Blaine didn't want Kurt to see because Blaine was writing about him, or, well, to him apparently. He closed his eyes and told himself that he should shut the book, not read a word, and put the book back. He had no right looking at this. If Blaine wanted him to read it, he would have handed it over before and not closed it whenever Kurt came around.

But Kurt didn't close the comp book. Instead, he turned back to the first page and read.

_Dear Kurt,_

_There's something I started to notice about myself today. It took me a long time to see it, but I've finally come to terms with it. I spend more time in my day consumed in you than I have anyone else ever. I wake up and there you are humming something lovely. I must admit that I'll never wake up to a more beautiful sounding alarm clock. Your voice is like my own personal soundtrack to a sunrise._

_I see you down the hall talking to someone and I can't help, but stare. I can immediately tell how the conversation is going by your body language. Sometimes I make up conversations that your having in my head while I'm watching. It's cheesy and maybe a little creepy, I know, but I swear it's funny in my head. Sometimes you flutter your eyelashes and I know that someone has almost made you blush. Sometimes you stand with your hip cocked to the side and you look like you're clutching your notebook too tightly to your chest and I know that you're not enjoying the conversation._

_I don't know. Maybe I'm a creeper for staring at you too much, but I can't stop myself. At first I told myself that it was because I cared so much about you feeling comfortable, but now… Now I just can't stop staring. You're so beautiful, Kurt. You're so beautiful that it hurt to breathe. I get lost in your blue eyes and perfect skin. _

_Those times when I look up and catch you looking at me, you are always the first one to look away, but for the second that we've locked eyes, my heart stills and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you._

_Ugh, I reading this letter now and seeing how creepy I am and am now immediately regretting I put all think in ink._

_The only reason I'm writing all this is because I have no intentions of ever telling you how I feel. We're friends and you're the most amazing friend I've ever had. I could never imagine if you and I ever were in a relationship and after it went sour, you and I never speaking again. I couldn't bare it. I couldn't bare you not in my life. _

_-Blaine_

Kurt stared at the page in earnest. He was suddenly aware of how quiet and still the room was. The only thing he heard was his heart beating out of his chest and his own breathing. Kurt didn't find the letter creepy at all because all the things that Blaine claimed to do were things that Kurt did. **He **stared at Blaine when he thought he wasn't looking. **He **never told Blaine how he felt about him because **He** didn't want to upset their balance. Kurt, not Blaine.

Kurt walked the book over to his bed and sat down on the edge of his bed. He turned the page and read the next one.

_Dear Kurt,_

_It's Saturday. You woke up in a bad mood today and when I asked if you wanted to go out and do something to take your mind off things you said no and wanted to stay in the room and veg-out. You looked so sad that I couldn't leave you alone so I canceled all of my plans that day and told you I'd have a pajama day with you. _

_Do you remember this day? We shoved our beds together and brought our TV right up to the ends our bed and stayed there. I brought up food from the dining hall for all three meals and we had a picnic on our beds. We sat so close during the movies we watched that I could feel the heat radiating off you._

_You cried after watching Marley and Me and said that you missed having a family like the one in the movie. While Carol and Finn were great and you loved them dearly, it wasn't the same as having his real mother around. We talked about our childhoods and our experiences at public school for, what seemed like, hours. I told you everything about me. Everything except my feelings for you, but that didn't matter at the time. We grew closer tonight. Even now, you fell asleep during the movie that's on now and my only hope is that you're not faking it and reading the words I'm writing now._

_You look so peaceful when you sleep. I wish you could have that same peace all the time. There's a lock of hair that fell on your face and I want to tuck it back into place because I know how particular you are about your hair, but I don't want to wake you._

_I can feel the words on the tip of my tongue, but I can't say them. I can't. Once I do, I feel that I'll die if I don't hear them back. So I'll stay silent and for now, only say goodnight and sweet dreams. I hope your dreams are as beautiful as you._

_-Blaine_

Kurt got lost in the notebook. Pages went by and he read of days he always found hard to forget: performances, outings, dinners at his family's house where he brought Blaine with him for the evening. He was stunned to find that these were all things that Blaine cherished. He always mentioned words that he wanted to say, but never felt it was his place to say them and was too afraid to admit them to himself so he wouldn't write them either.

Kurt finally closed the book. He couldn't bring himself to read more. He couldn't bring himself to move. He sat on the edge of his bed staring out into nowhere and breathing hot air with the notebook clutched in his hands.

Minutes later Blaine waltzed in the room like he breezed through his last finals with ease. Then he saw Kurt. His eyes trailed down to what was in his hands and his body froze. His eyes moved back up and saw Kurt staring at him. Blaine didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel. Angry? Kurt went into his desk and read his private thoughts. Relieved? Kurt now knew what Blaine felt and couldn't say out loud. Embarrassed? What if Kurt didn't feel the same and thought Blaine was a creep?

Blaine found the feeling in his limbs again and tentatively walked over to Kurt and gently took the notebook from him. Without a word, he brought it over to his desk and put it back in the drawer it had originally been in.

"Blaine…"

"I don't-" Blaine started. He took a breath and started again. "Can we not talk about this?" He put his hands on the desk and turned his head to the side, talking to Kurt over his shoulder and not making eye contact. "That book was private and I'd really like it if you forgot you ever laid eyes on it."

"I…"

"Just-" Blaine turned around and took in Kurt's appearance. Kurt was still sitting on his bed frozen in place. His eyes were welled with tears. "Just say you'll forget it."

Kurt looked up. Blaine's eyes were pleading. He could practically hear him begging in the silence. _Forget, please forget. Forget. _Kurt spoke slowly and quietly. "I can't." He stood and walked, as if on eggshells, over to Blaine. He got so close that Blaine stepped back and was up against his desk. He swallowed hard before reaching up to touch Blaine's cheek. "I can't forget what I read." There was silence for a moment as Blaine closed his eyes. "I've wanted to tell you all of those things since the moment I met you."

Blaine eyes fluttered open, not believing what he heard. "You have?" Kurt nodded slowly, his eyes never losing their intensity. Blaine reached a careful hand up to Kurt's face, as Kurt had done to Blaine previously, and gently brushed the side of his cheek with the back side of his fingers. He breathed out slowly, but heavily, like he had been holding his breath the whole time and was just now exhaling. "I've wanted to be this close to you for so long."

"Kiss me." He said it simply. There was no implication of whether or not Kurt wasn't sure. He was sure and he wanted Blaine to kiss him.

Blaine hesitated, making sure he really had heard correctly. When he was positive he had heard those two little words, he gulped, licked his lips, and leaned in slowly. He arched up onto the balls of his feet the closer to Kurt's mouth he got. Then finally, _finally,_ their lips met.

Kurt lips were soft and plush, while Blaine's lips were smooth and moist from licking his lips. They both inhaled deeply and exhaled in release as their lips parted and their kiss deepened. Blaine's arms encircled Kurt's waist while Kurt rested his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "Blaine," Kurt moaned silently between kisses.

"Kurt," Blaine whimpered in response.

"I love you."

Blaine pulled away instantly, but kept his arms around Kurt. He looked about as shocked as if someone had slapped him across the face.

There was silence for over a minute. The time between was dragging out for an eternity to Kurt and he began to doubt himself. "I'm sorry," he got out quickly. "Maybe this was the wrong time to tell you that. It's just- granted from what I read, you hadn't written that you love me, but I thought that- I'm sorry. I'm stupid. I've just had the most amazing moment of my life and I've gone and scared you off." He pushed himself away from Blaine and went back to hurriedly packing the things in his desk and shoving them into his messenger back haphazardly.

He stopped what he was doing when he felt Blaine's hand tenderly touch his right shoulder. Kurt turned and saw Blaine standing with the notebook in hand. He opened it up to a page somewhere in near the three quarter mark on the book. Blaine looked down at the page and with a shaky hand, he handed the book over.

Kurt looked down and read.

_Dear Kurt,_

_I can't hold it in any longer. You're sitting on your bed facing me and keep looking up at me from your lap top like you're hiding a secret and when I catch your eye we both start to laugh. I want to tell you. I want to tell you so badly how I feel. How I really and truly feel._

_I haven't been able to write it in this book for fear that it would go unrequited, but I'm not afraid anymore. Whether you feel the same or not, I'm just happy that we have moments like this that we are able to share together. _

_I love you. I love you more than I could ever say. You're the most amazing person I have ever met and I love you. You're beautiful and incredible. The best part of my day is waking up to seeing you and hearing your gently humming. I want to tell you. I love you, I'm in love with you, I'll never be out of love with you._

_I'll always be yours,_

_Blaine_

Kurt looked up. "I didn't read this one."

"I know. You're not stupid. Please don't be sorry. I love you." Blaine made a noise that was close to a gasp. "I've never said that out loud."

Kurt closed the book and put it on the desk behind him. "How does it sound?" he asked.

Blaine took Kurt's hands in his own. "About as wonderful as it sounds hearing it back from you."

"Should we say it again?"

"I love you," Blaine said instantly following it with a smile. It was the first time either one of them smiled since before Blaine walked in.

"I love you," Kurt answered. A grin tugging at his mouth.

"I'd like to kiss you again."

"Please."

Blaine arched up again and placed his lips to Kurt's. Their lips parted quicker this time and Blaine felt Kurt's tongue brush against his lips. He opened his mouth and Kurt's tongue entered his mouth briefly. He responded in kind with a moan playing at the back of his throat. He touched his tongue out to Kurt's and felt how smooth and delicious his mouth tasted. Blaine pulled back. "Stay," he said. "Don't leave tonight." He gave Kurt another chaste kiss. "Stay with me tonight. We can push our beds together and cuddle and watch movies and fall asleep together. We can bring frozen yogurt back up from dinner and have desert while we watch a musical and sing all the lyrics. Please?"

"Yes. Definitely."

Kurt and Blaine spent the rest of their afternoon packing everything except their bedding and a few DVDs. They walked down to dinner hand in hand and when the other Warblers saw them, there were a number of boys that yelled "It's about fricken time!"

Kurt couldn't stop his blush and Blaine just held him closer. "They're right you, know." He smiled up at Kurt. "This should have happened sooner."

"Don't beat yourself up. I was hiding my feelings too. I'm just happy we finally told each other."

"I'm just happy you were nosy enough to look through my book."

"Why did you keep so many secrets in your notebook?"

"I was afraid. I didn't want to know that you didn't love me too."

"But I do love you."

Blaine smiled into giving Kurt a small kiss. "You do?" He asked playfully.

"Mm-hmm." Kurt smiled. "So, so much."

Blaine gave him another kiss. "I love you too."

That night Kurt did just as Blaine suggested. They pushed their single beds together and watched musicals and sang all the words. They ate frozen yogurt and talked for hours. Then, somewhere around three in the morning, they shared a good night kiss and cuddle close under the covers. Both boys fell asleep feeling comfortable and loved and happy that their were no more secrets between them.

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